This happened not more than a few weeks ago…
I was out on the streets walking briskly. Not because I was hurrying to get somewhere – but because I was trying to run away from myself.
How does one run away from themselves? They don’t because they can’t. It’s impossible, right?
The reason I was trying to get as far away from myself as possible was because I had just had an argument with my partner.
That wasn’t the problem.
The problem was that I had said things that not only did I regret – but I had done this same thing multiple times before – and had promised myself to never do that again.
Yet, I did it again.
At that particular moment on the running-from-myself walk, I couldn’t coach myself – it seemed as if my biggest inner critic was dropping a nuclear bomb on me.
I couldn’t objectively BE with what happened either (to witness it and have compassion towards myself as being human having a very human experience).
It was as if I had all my resources taken away from me (but not my resourcefulness).
So the next best thing I could come up with to try to save myself (from myself) was to call a friend – a coach, and to ask him for support and coaching around this.
Just fifteen minutes later, I had a lightness in my step. My harsh self-judgment had completely stopped.
I felt renewed.
The coach didn’t do any magic on me (he did… but he’d simply call it deep coaching).
Do you want to know what he did?
He listened to me deeply, intently, and compassionately – the way only someone with zero judgment towards others and with zero ego/self-interest can do.
And then he asked me one thing…
“You said that you keep hurting the closest people to you. You do. My question is: who is the closest person ever to you?”
I got it!
It was me – I was the closest person to me.
And true – I was consistently hurting myself by being hard on myself, by judging myself harshly, by making myself wrong.
And this is outright ridiculous because I hold the firm conviction that…
THERE IS NOTHING INHERENTLY WRONG WITH ANYBODY
We learn early in our childhood that “something must be fundamentally wrong with me” – all because something was said or done (perhaps repeatedly) that at the time we couldn’t reconcile or explain in any other way.
“There is nothing wrong with anybody”
I know this deep in my body to where I can immediately see in my clients where they have a view of themselves that’s a reflection of what they’ve been through – not of who they truly are!
But apparently not deep enough to be able to always and unconditionally “include” myself, too.
There was more that I was reminded of during our put-out-the-fire coaching.
By focusing on “the mess that I am” (especially painful because I am a coach, right – I should have my shit together?!) I was reinforcing the very same self-judgment – that I am a mess (What we focus on expands in our awareness).
There are many lessons in what I shared above. I trust you found most of them – or at least the ones that pertain to your particular situation and circumstances.
For the sake of completeness, here are the lessons as I intended:
Lesson 1: No matter how harsh you are on yourself – there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! You are simply trying to survive your own internal narrative
Lesson 2: You ought to be very careful what you choose to put your focus and attention on because it gets reinforced in your life and circumstances
Lesson 3: It’s okay to admit that you are human and ask for help. You are not meant to figure it all out on your own
Lesson 4: We are all works in progress (myself included) – regardless of what social media and skillful marketing want you to believe
And here’s the bonus lesson that ties it all together…
Lesson 5: Permanently transcending all “there’s something wrong with me” internal narratives is your True Purpose (capital “P”) – and all your other human-level purposes are the means to that end!
Much love –