I’ve messed up in my relationship more times than I want to admit (but here it is..)
All my mess-ups came largely because of the following two reasons (and I would argue that most men are afflicted by both):
- Overreacting due to unhealed and unintegrated wounds from my past – mostly from my childhood, and
- Not understanding the feminine – and treating my lady as if she is another man in a female body
Here’s a great analogy of how the first affliction works:
If we throw a pebble into the ocean, the response in terms of sound and water displacement will be appropriate to the size and weight of the pebble.
If we throw a car in the ocean, the response would again be appropriate to the size and weight of the car.
Now, imagine if someone throws a pebble in the ocean but they get the response appropriate to a car being thrown – that’s overreacting.
And, that’s what happens most of the time in a relationship when shame, guilt, and hurt from the past are not fully healed and integrated.
Where am I on this…
I’m unpacking, integrating, and healing at the fastest rate ever (it helps that I understand psychology and human behavior that I can guide myself the way I guide my clients and that I have coaches who can spot my blind spots).
As far as the latter, I am finally – FINALLY – starting to understand women (I thought I did but I didn’t really!)
Here’s what I now know…
What women in a relationship need are three things:
- They need to feel SAFE
- They need to feel SEEN (acknowledged, valued, and appreciated)
- They need SPACE to just BE
Here’s an example of how men fail in all three:
A woman shares something with her man. He offers a solution. He wants to fix things for her (or worse – he tells her to fix things and stop complaining).
She doesn’t need a solution. And she doesn’t need things fixed (she knows perfectly well how to take care of her stuff).
What she needs is to simply be listened to, to be heard. She needs presence. She needs to feel safe while being in her feminine – flowy, nurturing, and beautifully chaotic.
So why am I sharing all of this publicly? Here’s why:
To publicly take responsibility for how I’ve failed to show up in the past – and especially for how I am going to be showing up from now on (because the awareness is already there… and I can be held responsible for what I am aware of!).
Responsibility sits right at the top – together with awareness – if a relationship is to succeed and thrive.
( And after reading this you too are aware 😉 )
If you are still reading – and you are a man in a relationship, I am extending a brotherly invite for you to pause for a bit and consider what you read above.
And if you care enough about your woman and your relationship – to take full responsibility where you still haven’t.
If you are still reading – and you are a woman, I invite you to lovingly share what you read here with your man or with any man you truly care about (but be gentle because men’s ego is very fragile).
Done!
Much love
Ivan