“I keep attracting emotionally unavailable partners”
If that’s something you’ve ever said or thought to yourself – read on. (If not, you probably know someone who has – share this with them)
I’m not a relationships coach. And I don’t have to be.
This is pure psychology – and that’s what I DO understand and am good at.
Here’s how this works…
A person meets someone another person. It’s great for a bit. But soon they discover that the other person is emotionally unavailable to them.
Then the person will either start compensating by becoming needy in the relationship (this doesn’t work out well)
Or they will simply extract themselves from the relationship – hurt and wounded… even more (this doesn’t work out well either)
No matter which way it goes, at the deepest level (much deeper than “I’m not good enough for them”) the person will make this mean…
I’m not wanted, or
I’m not important, or
I don’t matter, or
I’m not lovable
Only… they DIDN’T “decide” this about themselves now – they did a long long time ago…
In their childhood.
Now they are simply confirming that and adding more evidence to what they already know about themselves at the deepest subconscious level.
But how did this happen in the first place? – you may ask.
Here’s how:
As a small child (0-7) the person experienced one or more of the following:
- One or both parents were emotionally unavailable to one another
- One or both parents were too self-preoccupied and rarely gave attention to the child (usually the mother)
- One or both parents are emotionally and/or intellectually unavailable to the child
And to make sense of that reality, the child had to find a way to “explain” it to themselves usually by making this whole story mean that “I’m not wanted”, or “I’m not important”, or “I don’t matter”, or “I’m not lovable” – purely as a survival strategy.
Once they decided that about themselves they had to start adapting to that “inner truth” by adjusting their fragile self-concept accordingly…
And then spend the rest of their life subconsciously “orchestrating” the events to meet the people that will help them add more evidence to support their inner truth.
So what’s the way out of that?
- Understand what truly happened way back then – and that all of what’s been happening in your relationships is simply a result of a survival adaptation from your childhood
- Really get it that any or all of these “subconscious decisions/meanings” were a lie about you, not “the truth”
- Practice that awareness for long enough until it becomes your new inner truth
And the rest will simply work itself out – seemingly without you having to do anything.
For the simple reason that there will be NO more need for “living in the old truth”.
There (phew ?)
I hope this helps someone today.
If I can help you unpack other subconscious “truths” (lies) that are preventing you from living a life that you truly enjoy – let me know. It’s what I do.
Much love –
Ivan