Ivan at the window

This one time when my mind gave up but my soul didn’t

Logically, it didn’t make sense to fight. But, as I will much later learn, logic isn’t a reliable guide in the Infinite Field of possibilities (read the quantum field).

Growing up in a communist country, going to America was only what you saw on TV — or dreamt about. But it would never happen to you.

Back then the borders were closed and we were isolated. The West was inaccessible.

I was 8 or 9. I was watching a documentary on my grandma’s b/w tube. I was fascinated. It was about New York.

My uncle walked into the room and looked at me. Then at the television. Then back at me and said, “Ivan, watch America on television because you’ll never actually see it.”

I remember thinking “I will see America”. I was certain. I was still living in a world of dreams and possibilities. The world of doubts still has not built momentum and claimed me (it will later, but not yet).

It took 20 more years after this day to create an opportunity for me to go to America. I was 28. And I had a very slim chance.

On the day of the visa interview, I had all the required documents prepared perfectly. I had to prove that I was not a potential immigrant.

The interviewing lady took a looong look at my “proof”. Then she pushed the heavy metal drawer with my visaless passport toward me.

I felt terror. I looked at my passport. I thought if I took it in my hands and walked away without a visa I was going to die. Slowly.

I didn’t touch my passport. Instead, I started rambling. I don’t remember exactly what I said. I spoke from the heart. I was fighting for my life.

She was looking at me intently over her half-frame glasses in total disbelief that someone could object to her decision.

I stopped talking. She didn’t move for what felt like a year. Then she slowly said, “Alright. I will give you a 2-month visa. But you have to promise that you will be back in two months!”

I promised. I lied. I knew I wasn’t going to come back. For once in my life, lying felt amazing. It felt like saving someone’s life. My life.

I’m recounting this 21 years after this faithful day. It took me 4+ decades to come back full circle and know what I instinctively and naturally knew as a child (you knew that too!):

The heart (soul) ‘knows’ because it is always connected to Infinity. The mind doesn’t because it is disconnected from Infinity.

Yet the mind is good at pretending that it knows. And it’s even better at shutting down the heart.


Sometimes there’s nothing (not even a controlling mind) that can stop the heart.