The Tension I’m Not Going to Resolve

Two things matter to me right now, and they’re pulling in opposite directions.

One is keeping up with the fastest world we’ve ever lived in. AI, technology, all of it moving in the next two or three years. I’m in it for work, and it feels urgent.

The other is having time to sit quietly with myself. To reflect. To just be.

I keep choosing the first one. And I wanted to understand why.

The obvious reason is that the fast world has a deadline and sitting with myself doesn’t. One of them shows up demanding something. The other waits forever. So the loud one wins.

But the reason I tell myself is more telling than that. “I can’t afford to waste time.” Afford. Waste. That’s scarcity talking. Time as something I lose.

And under that, the real one. Sitting with myself puts me in touch with things that aren’t always nice to meet. The parts of me I’d rather not look at. The big questions with no answers. Why am I here. What’s the point of any of this.

So I have to ask. Is part of me actually glad the world is this fast? Because it hands me a very good excuse not to go in there.

I ran a simple test. If I had ninety extra minutes tomorrow, would I sit with myself? No. I’d fill them. That told me enough.

Here’s where I land, which isn’t really a landing. I’m not resolving this. The two are in tension, and I’m fine letting them stay that way. For now.

In the second half of life, there are more questions than answers. Maybe the skill is not needing to answer all of them.

Watch the full video – linked above.